christmas and my birthday

today is christmas day... hmm... no plan.. every my friends busy going out with their own friends. i guess this year my christmas day is be lonely again... celebrate with myself... tomorrow is my birthday.. i also almost forget it if i didn't look back calendar. do anyone forget my birthday? especially him. do he forget about my birthday? do you think he will message me on tomorrow? i really don't know.. probably yes. he will forget my birthday. now i really don't think so much. i just want get through my life with happy and laughing. i don't want think about dating anymore because i know i won't happy with love. better love myself... xD
anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU SIU MEI!!!! finally, i am officially 20 year old... haha... i just start enjoy my 20 years old life....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! :-)

~~~

recently, i started realize something that upset me. actually in my life, i don't have any true friend. all the friend that i thought will be my best friend or good to me doesn't care about me. i just felt that they just pretending in front of me. i can feel it... i just want find a friend to come out and watch movie or have a drink with me also so difficult. they give me a lot of excuse that i think unacceptable. if you really treat me as your good friend, no matter how many times you already watch the movies, you still will accompany me to watch again. but they aren't.... why? some of people think that i am a person who loves going out... i really love to but no one want accompany me. i don't have any friend that can call... you know, i'm just like them. sitting in my house for a month without going out with friend... but i still lying others i was happy hanging out with my friend because i don't want they know i actually is feel lonely. what can i do else? i just can tell lie.... because i know that i will be a lonely person in my life....
and some more, usually is me tease on other people but now... time is change. now i become the person who let other tease on me without fighting back. because i tired with that behavior. maybe i become more mature and i know doing like that is immature.... i don't want talk so much with that such person... you know what, i really quite sad when they doing like that to me.
i don't have friend.......
i don't have friend......
i don't have friend......
i don't have friend......
enough!!!!!
i like be lonely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the friend that i shouldn't appreciate anymore

i'm totally disappointed with you. i never think you will do such things to me. i totally heart broken... from now on, i won't care so much to you anymore like i did before. please don't blame me because you force me to do like that to you. if you want blame, just blame on yourself. you know what, i can be cruel as you wish for... if you really want it. i really mad on you... >.<""'

from now on, i will lost you this friend in my life.

miss him badly

i feel so lonely. i need some courage from someone... please~~~ i really felt that now i just like useless person. exam is just around the corner but now i'm still in dreaming. i never try put any effort on my studies. i really so fail in my life... i fail everything. i need someone give me some advice and support... the love 1 had give up on me and the one that i love won't give me any courage and love because he will never know my feeling to him. yesterday i was had a dinner with him. he sit at my beside. i try being myself and give the best impression to him. i know we both won't happen anything but i just want he know actually i'm not bad at all. sometimes i really miss him badly till whole night my mind always thinking of him. even i was dreaming about him. he really give me a great impact since from first time i met him. i still remember how we met... it's so clearly in my mind now. i couldn't forget it. i think i'm really start insane without him. if i really be together with him, i really can feel safeness with him and love. his maturity really attracted me so much. i love be with these guy. i know he is not a very love romance but i know he can do much better if i know he deeply.
christmas and new year is near... i really this year i will have wonderful and memorable christmas and new year day... :-)

my true feeling..

actually, what is love? what is friendship? why till now i still can't feel it? let we start with friendship. in my life, no one was used to be my true friends till i found them. they are the people who are make me believe that in this world still have true friend spirit exist. i love being together and hang out with them. i'm happy that i can knew them in my life. when i saw them, they just like my stars that always bright me up so i won't always live in darkness. sometimes we can do some crazy stuff together but of course is legal things ya... we just like to yum cha together at same old place. haha.... i like it so much. when with them, i can be myself. talking jokes, tease them without no need thinking who they are. i just can say anything without thinking. you know, when i with others people chat, i need think about what i should say or shouldn't. is so suffering for me. is them.... they totally change my life ever. i love them so much... i really hope on future, we still is best best friend forever till we get old. i really can't imagine when we get old, how do we look like? sure some hold tongkat, wear grandpa/grandma clothes and our hair all become white.... so at here, i really wanna thanks to them..... Ling Kenn, Wei Pin, Onn Yong~~~
you three will be my true and best friend... it won't change till i die.
about love, i really didn't hope so much on it. in my life, i just will depends on myself... i won't count on others. and i will put all my love to my studies, career, family and myself. i just will trust myself. i trust that without guy, i still can live better... i will do the best as i can.. i won't make myself fail...
good luck siumei..... :-)

i hate you

finally, he found a new girlfriend and his fb status state in a relationship... should i feel happy, sad or angry? but now my feeling tell me that i'm on sad... i wanna cry but i just can cry in my heart. i'm so hurt now.... when we was dating that time, he never want change his status on that time. is he really get serious with this girl? what he really do now really hurt me so much.... i really want beat him now!!!! why i will knew such this bad guy in my life? because of you, now i'm nt dare to have a new relationship with others guy. i'm scare... i'm scare they also will leave me like you did to me. i hate you so much!!!!! i never will forgive you in my life anymore... NEVER!!!! i swear with my life!!!!! :-(

F**K YOU

why they want me mention again about that things? i already try to avoid from answering his question... why he still want me say it out? and let others know my past... i really terrible sad when i say it out. i know that wont any guys anymore say that words to me. i know it... actually, i'm really desire to hear that words again. you know, how happily the girls if some guys tell her that words. yea i know i wont find any guys that really like and love me. i mean maybe i cant find boyfriend again... i know myself. im not dare to love someone... that's my weaknesses.... but doesnt they need say like that? it's really hurt me... they just think it's just a jokes... but did you know, what you say from your mind, it's really your true words. that is how you looking to me. if not, you wont say like that to me. have you been think before when you say something? you really think i'm not care about it? you think you put the picture i'm not hurt? you are humiliating me now!!!! what you mean now i cant find any boyfriend anymore!!! dont you get it? i thought you can care someone feeling but i was wrong. u're not the guys that i can trust and respect. i'm deeply disappointed with you. i really don't know how i can face to you again. i also is a girls...... you think i want what i look now??? you all will never know what i'm thinking.... what i want... all i can do is just pretend nothing happen and be happy in front of you all... this time you really hurt me badly badly~~~ T.T

what i am doing right now? sitting in front of computer and doing nothing... exam is just around the corner and i still haven't read or revise any book yet. am i will fail? am i is a fail person? i think i am... i never did anythings well as i wish for... never in my life. what i wish for never become true. why YOU treat me like this? i just want a normal normal life... is it very difficult? i want someone to care to me... forget it. i just don't want think back the past who is changed my whole person.
i don't write so much... it's so painful to me when i talk about it....

hi... quite long time i didnt write this blog... recently i really dont know what i'm doing now. the hatred feeling to this stupid jungle and friend at here is more deep... i really so suffer at here... i want back KL now!!!! now i start realize that i cant be friend with them bcoz their personality is not match with me at all. they are so childish and immature. they like do something that they think very fun but what i think is so shameful.... i really dont know what the hell they are thinking... are their brain full with shit?? forget it... i dont want mention them....
i dont know what i need to write already... i better stop here... T.T

my future?

i feel miserable now.. i still don't know what i want now. sometimes when i think about what future i want to be, my mind will become blank. i can't see my future at all. can you tell me what should i do now? since i started studying at university, my future became more blured... i don't know the purpose i entered university. is it i really want become a manager in someday? or i really have talent in business field? i really dont know.... what i know now is i just want make me happy and free because i ady tied myself long time ago. i always forced myself to study because i don't want someday i become sales girls in shopping centre. i want prove to others that i can do it what i want. i won't let others look down on me!!! so how much i don't like to study, i also will graduate in good result. i want earn many many money.... that's only i want to do now.
by education, it's can guarantee your future....

help....

oh my god... i start miss him.. what the hell i'm doing right now? i already told myslef that we both is impossible will together but my mind still keep thinking of him. when i saw him on that day, i never said a word to him or looked at him. i don't know why.... i can't control my feeling to him. i think i start fancy on him... pls help me get rid of this feeling from me... i really can't fall in love on him... cannot.... siu mei... you and him won't be together 1 because he had girlfriend already.... so just let it go....

dream spoiled.....

this time i really broke down... how come i can't get the ptptn loan? so how i want to spend my 1st semester with my own money? i really can't afford it... what should i do now? i don't want use my mum money since she also not enough to use..... i haven't told her about this things. why this things will happen on me? that's not fair... are you really want me to learn how to be orang yang tahu berjimat? how i gonna spend my expense at here? tell me...... where i can find some money to use now? i really so desperate for money now...... please..... just give me some way to move okay.... i really need this money.... please........ T.T

boring day to goes...

hi.. i'm blogging again. today doesn't have any special things happen. it's just a normal and bored day to goes.... after the 1st class, i and my friends went to dataran perdana to register the squash club. it's took me about rm10 for register fees. luckily that time they don't have the shirt.. if not, i need to pay more rm20 again. after that, i went to class again.. in my life, this is my first time i attending class with listening to music for whole class. i never do that before. but it is because what the lecturer doesn't need to listen up. it's such a useless things to hear. after that, we go met with my other friends who are very like to talk... it's not my type. after for a while i decided to go back my hostel because it's too boring to me. when i arrived hostel, i went back to my room and changing. today evening i been slept for 2 hours where i think quite long time. when i wake up, then ready for dinner... eat again with them. sometimes i really can't tahan what they talk about. it's not my topic.... and now, start blogging at here and write crap at here...
after you read this post, do you think my life at here is wonderful or terrible? i can't decide it.... how about you tell me what is the answer?
wait for my next post...... :-(

i just want apply for loan... is it very difficult? why the ptptn so troublesome?? i really hate the government doing thing... not sistematic at all... damn it!!! just forget it..
now i really want back to my home... i miss my home so much... can anyone make the time pass more faster?? make it after 3 years.... so i can back to my home qucikly... i feel so alone at here. so lonely.... miss them so much.. :-(

hell

oh my god... what i'm doing now? i'm just like in HELL!!!!! i don't like this place at all.. i doesn't feel happy since i'm coming here... i don't like the environment at here, the people, the food and many many..... when i can back to normal life?? i don't want stay at this suck place longer anymore.... just get me out from here.... please...... :-(

guys shouldnt be trust....

recently i'm really feel so sad and desperate.... he always try to fool me... he thinks i'm still is a little girl... dont know nothing. i really so mad on him... how can he do like that to me? does he still love me? does he still treat me as his girlfriend? can anyone let me know what i should do now? i'm miserable...... sometimes what he doing to me really make me so upset. i can't tolerate this kind people... moreover he is my boyfriend. sometimes i really hate and blame myself.. is it i didn't do well and treat him nicely? is it my fault? even so, he shouldn't always try say lie to me... i try be honest with him but he always make me so disappointed.. i already try give him some signal that i'm really angry with him but he doesn't care about it... i dont know he really dont know or pretend dont know. but what i'm really sure, he doesn't care so much than before. like what i say, men really can't be trusted. finally, the most suffer is ourself. sometimes i really want give him some chance but what he doing right now to me, is really unacceptable to me. if this few days, he still act like that.. i'm really give up on him already.
everytime we going out, i doesnt feel that we're couple. sometimes i want he try say some romance words to pujuk me... some jokes to make me laugh... but what he always told me is about his work, his friends, his family, his cousins and boring things.... it's really make me so bored. and everytime we going out is only thursday where is my off day. almost 1 month we just meet 4 times... is it normal for a couple? i dont think is normal.... i really dont know what he thinking.... i really fade up on him...... totally give up and disappointed.......
from now on, i wont trust on men easily already... they all really such a damn fucker people.... :-(

i need your care....

i need someone to care about me... love me...
always know what i want....
but he never know about it....
never....
he just know how to care himself...
all the priority is just about him only...
should i tell him what i want?
if i tell him, it become meaningless...
i just want him more care about me...
that's all i want... is it difficult??
sometimes i really think that we're not meant to be together...
maybe all of this is my mistakes...
my mistakes...
i shouldn't give us a hope...
i'm so regret now....

sorry

hi... i'm blogging again. Today is my off day. Quite bored because whole evening just stay at home. I suppose follow my friends go doing their passport but i finally didn't go. It's all because for my babe. We both so hardly to see each others.. i mean go dating la. Sometimes i really think i'm not so good for him. He always asking me whether when i will tell my parents about our relationship. Actually, is not me dont want tell them but i have to keep this from them 1st. You know what... my parents is not quite open minded in love relationship... they will think that if you're still in studying, better dont dating 1st. They scare will affect my studies.. I'm really so sorry babe.... you know i love you right...
today is last day for the application for university. Honestly, i really don't know the course that i choose is really is my interest. i'm miserable now..... but all is just wait the result from them. Actually, i'm the person who are dont have any confident. I always dont have confident on whatever i'm do....
ok la... i really don't want write so much ady.... bye.. :-)

craps~~~

just found some old and newest photo...
so i want share with you all...
enjoy..

6AB (2008) xP

sg wang (2008) Blekkk..

graduation days (2007) fuiyoh...

Gua Niah(2008)

my lovely babe.. (2008)

the newest.. my co-work (2010)



actually still got a lot de... but i'm lazy lo...
haha.... :-)

i feel so unhappy now. i really don't know what he think... i'm really so disappointed with him. i suppose not give him any chances and trust him anymore. this time i really do a wrong decision.... how stupid am i... this time i really give up on him. i never will trust him anymore.... guys really cant be trust.... ......................................................................... T.T

Result, Hate and Love

hello everyone... is been long long time i didn't update my blog. kinda lazy to update... hehe.. XD
so today i was go take my STPM result at school. before i went to school, i'm was really damn nervous and my heart beat so fast. i was really scared. i scared that i will got bad result because i know i didn't do well on my examination. but after i saw my result, my heart felt quite happy and also a liitle bit sad because the result is not i excepted. i thought my PA will get A but is not A-.. because i know i really know how to do the paper. but what i got just A-. quite disappointed.... the PP also.. i thought will get A but is not. maybe they say it right. don't expect the result too high.. it's might not what you want it. therefore, i got this result i'm really feel blessed ady... i didn't ask too much from you God, i just want to be quite successful person that can make my life more better, so i hope You also can bless me that i can enter the university with my interest course. please... that's all i ask from you...
today when i went to school, i thought i can forget everything about what happen between them but i really can't do it. when i saw them, my eyes automatically will look others place because i really don't want see them anymore in my life. never..... so for whole day, i didn't talk with them even one greeting also don't have... i just can't do it. haiz... from now on, they will always disappear in my life forever..
btw, i wanna tell you all that i finally back together with him. maybe i do a right decision or maybe wrong but more days i with him, i more love him deeply. i can feel that he really treat me so nice and good. he really be serious on this relationship. so i will try my best to be a good and gentle girlfriend. i hope he always will love me and never leave me...
i love you babe.... muaxxxxxx.... :-)

new hairstyle

hihi..
change new hairstyle ady...
i quite like this hairstyle... really suit me lolx..
haha...
give some opinion lolx..

..........

recently busy with works... no time to blogging.. haizz.. it's so boring.
speechless***