the friend that i shouldn't appreciate anymore

i'm totally disappointed with you. i never think you will do such things to me. i totally heart broken... from now on, i won't care so much to you anymore like i did before. please don't blame me because you force me to do like that to you. if you want blame, just blame on yourself. you know what, i can be cruel as you wish for... if you really want it. i really mad on you... >.<""'

from now on, i will lost you this friend in my life.

miss him badly

i feel so lonely. i need some courage from someone... please~~~ i really felt that now i just like useless person. exam is just around the corner but now i'm still in dreaming. i never try put any effort on my studies. i really so fail in my life... i fail everything. i need someone give me some advice and support... the love 1 had give up on me and the one that i love won't give me any courage and love because he will never know my feeling to him. yesterday i was had a dinner with him. he sit at my beside. i try being myself and give the best impression to him. i know we both won't happen anything but i just want he know actually i'm not bad at all. sometimes i really miss him badly till whole night my mind always thinking of him. even i was dreaming about him. he really give me a great impact since from first time i met him. i still remember how we met... it's so clearly in my mind now. i couldn't forget it. i think i'm really start insane without him. if i really be together with him, i really can feel safeness with him and love. his maturity really attracted me so much. i love be with these guy. i know he is not a very love romance but i know he can do much better if i know he deeply.
christmas and new year is near... i really this year i will have wonderful and memorable christmas and new year day... :-)

my true feeling..

actually, what is love? what is friendship? why till now i still can't feel it? let we start with friendship. in my life, no one was used to be my true friends till i found them. they are the people who are make me believe that in this world still have true friend spirit exist. i love being together and hang out with them. i'm happy that i can knew them in my life. when i saw them, they just like my stars that always bright me up so i won't always live in darkness. sometimes we can do some crazy stuff together but of course is legal things ya... we just like to yum cha together at same old place. haha.... i like it so much. when with them, i can be myself. talking jokes, tease them without no need thinking who they are. i just can say anything without thinking. you know, when i with others people chat, i need think about what i should say or shouldn't. is so suffering for me. is them.... they totally change my life ever. i love them so much... i really hope on future, we still is best best friend forever till we get old. i really can't imagine when we get old, how do we look like? sure some hold tongkat, wear grandpa/grandma clothes and our hair all become white.... so at here, i really wanna thanks to them..... Ling Kenn, Wei Pin, Onn Yong~~~
you three will be my true and best friend... it won't change till i die.
about love, i really didn't hope so much on it. in my life, i just will depends on myself... i won't count on others. and i will put all my love to my studies, career, family and myself. i just will trust myself. i trust that without guy, i still can live better... i will do the best as i can.. i won't make myself fail...
good luck siumei..... :-)

i hate you

finally, he found a new girlfriend and his fb status state in a relationship... should i feel happy, sad or angry? but now my feeling tell me that i'm on sad... i wanna cry but i just can cry in my heart. i'm so hurt now.... when we was dating that time, he never want change his status on that time. is he really get serious with this girl? what he really do now really hurt me so much.... i really want beat him now!!!! why i will knew such this bad guy in my life? because of you, now i'm nt dare to have a new relationship with others guy. i'm scare... i'm scare they also will leave me like you did to me. i hate you so much!!!!! i never will forgive you in my life anymore... NEVER!!!! i swear with my life!!!!! :-(

F**K YOU

why they want me mention again about that things? i already try to avoid from answering his question... why he still want me say it out? and let others know my past... i really terrible sad when i say it out. i know that wont any guys anymore say that words to me. i know it... actually, i'm really desire to hear that words again. you know, how happily the girls if some guys tell her that words. yea i know i wont find any guys that really like and love me. i mean maybe i cant find boyfriend again... i know myself. im not dare to love someone... that's my weaknesses.... but doesnt they need say like that? it's really hurt me... they just think it's just a jokes... but did you know, what you say from your mind, it's really your true words. that is how you looking to me. if not, you wont say like that to me. have you been think before when you say something? you really think i'm not care about it? you think you put the picture i'm not hurt? you are humiliating me now!!!! what you mean now i cant find any boyfriend anymore!!! dont you get it? i thought you can care someone feeling but i was wrong. u're not the guys that i can trust and respect. i'm deeply disappointed with you. i really don't know how i can face to you again. i also is a girls...... you think i want what i look now??? you all will never know what i'm thinking.... what i want... all i can do is just pretend nothing happen and be happy in front of you all... this time you really hurt me badly badly~~~ T.T

what i am doing right now? sitting in front of computer and doing nothing... exam is just around the corner and i still haven't read or revise any book yet. am i will fail? am i is a fail person? i think i am... i never did anythings well as i wish for... never in my life. what i wish for never become true. why YOU treat me like this? i just want a normal normal life... is it very difficult? i want someone to care to me... forget it. i just don't want think back the past who is changed my whole person.
i don't write so much... it's so painful to me when i talk about it....